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‘Monogamy is not dismantled by fucking more or by falling in love simultaneously with more people, but by constructing relationships in a different way, relationships that allow us to fuck more and fall in love simultaneously with more people, but without anyone getting broken along the way.’
Monogamy has played a central role in modernity, shaping our concepts of love, relationships, and family. In Monogamous Mind, Polyamorous Terror, Spanish writer Brigitte Vasallo explores how mechanisms of love are deeply rooted in societal and individual norms, rather than being freely chosen.
Originally published in Spanish and now a global bestseller, this groundbreaking text reveals how the notions of state, nation, and identity – founded on codes of exclusivity, possession, and hierarchy – are intertwined with monogamy. Drawing on extensive historical research through the lens of social and affective organisation, Vasallo challenges one of the most entrenched pillars of Western society. She unveils the potential for a radical transformation in our relationships – whether erotic, familial, or communal – pointing towards a new, inclusive approach for a different world.
Translation by Larry Goldsmith
Author: Brigitte Vasallo
Paperback Published September 2024 256 pages
Review by Kae:
A fascinating deep dive into the history of monogamy culture, interrogating it’s apparent taken-for-grantedness in the West. Brigette Vasallo cleverly unveils the interconnectedness of colonialism, capitalism, and nationalism in the ways that the monogamous nuclear family unit is pedestalised, and polyamory is aligned with terrorism. It’s the kind of book that I feel touches on stuff I already ‘knew’ (that everything is connected, that monogamy and any other product of capitalism-colonialism are not automatically more ‘natural’), but that communicates such a well-paced and well researched an train of argument stemming from ‘lost (pre-monogamous) time’ that I felt my mind being blown over and over again.
In Vasallo’s argument, polyamory that is done without dismantling one’s own innate ‘monogamy police’ is simply a reproduction of the same problematic patterns, but just with more sex. By first taking apart norms around monogamy in exacting detail, to ascertain what exactly monogamy is outside of an assumed norm (it’s structures, customs, histories), Vassalo invites us to rethink polyamory as something more than just monogamy’s innately more ‘ethical’ opposite. I appreciated how this book didn’t take on an overly simplistic binary of ‘monogamy=bad, polyamory=good', but explored how both monogamous and polyamorous practices can be done with intentionality, for the same vision for a world built on reciprocity and collective care. This book challenges us to interrogate what we think we owe one another: not just ‘saying the right words’ but genuinely living them. This book is for everyone - monogamous, polyamorous, or questioning - to better understand the forces that shape their attachments and to approach love with intentionality.
Also, how pretty is this book cover?!?